The Great Magpesis: On Unrequited Love

We seem to think that our place on the spectrum between divinity and mayhem comes down to how loved we are.

A tea party for two is set up under an old willow tree. Girl laying on the picnic blanket, resting on her elbows with two dolls in front of her. She talks through them.

Beatrice [doll, left] is pouring cups of tea for everyone. Sally [doll, right] sighs.

Sally: Did you see Clare with her boyfriend last week?

Beatrice: John?

S: I can’t stand to see them look so happy together…

S trails off, expecting a sympathetic remark from Beatrice — who does not indulge her.

S: What would you do if someone you’ve been in love with was flirting with other people in front of you? Wouldn’t that make you insane? How should I get over it? It’s clearly never going to happen and—

B: What are you on about?

S: A few months ago, before John and Clare got together, we went out for coffee. John asked me, you know; of course I was going to say yes. I thought he was cute. He was very invested in what I had to say, made great eye contact, and we got on like a house on fire. John even paid the bill at the end which he didn’t have to. I thought he really liked me…I’m just so embarrassed. Like, genuine despair.

S huffs and falls back in her seat.

S [exasperated]: John! It’s always been about JOHN! Fine. I love John.

B: John, really? You’re being serious?

S nods solemnly. B raises an eyebrow.

B: Last time we spoke about him you said you wouldn’t touch him with a ten foot pole.

S: Yes, well…he didn’t even sense my manifestations!

B sets down the teapot, looks at it seriously and thinks for a moment.

B: Do you feel like you’re missing out on some greater thing with him? A love that should be yours?

S: I mean, not necessarily, but I just don’t see why he doesn’t…or worst case why he won’t…love me back. I hate how he makes me feel. I- You won’t get it.

S puts her head in her hands. B takes a sip of tea and stares into the cup, unsure how to console her friend.

[pause]

B: I’m going to need you to keep an open mind, because what I’m about to say will make me sound like an asshole. Some philosophers say that unrequited love can be a misnomer; we don’t feel love, we’re obsessed or infatuated. Real love is about reciprocation, it’s nothing without the other party.

S rolls her eyes.

S: You’re salting my wound.

B: That’s not my intention, I swear I’m only trying to help…What I mean to say, is that we seem to think that our place on the spectrum between divinity and mayhem comes down to how loved we are. Love makes you crazy, manic even. DBC Pierre says something like: ‘love and its temperature can’t actually be chosen’. There is no other feeling that is as awful or tragic, yet incredible all at once. People go to the ends of the earth, sacrifice their lives, just to feel loved.

S: Right…

B: Have you ever wondered if he owes you affection?

S lifts her head up from her hands and cocks it to the side.

S: Pardon?

B: Well, does he have to love you back?

S shrugs.

B: What you’re looking for is this spiritual, unconditional, reciprocal love. Having a true connection with someone means that you care for them for their own sake, not from the pleasure or utility gained from the relationship. There’s a chapter in Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics about that. Some other Ancient Greek philosophers wrote about unconditional love specifically, it’s called agape. In any case, you shouldn’t love someone because of who they are or their relationship to you; you love them simply because they are.

B takes another sip of tea. S looks at B with glazed eyes.

B: Well, what do you want from him?

S [pointedly]: To be in love with me.

B: As much as I don’t agree with Robert Nozick on some of his political views, what he has to say about love might be relatable. The love you want is two people coming together and creating a new shared identity. Nozick calls it ‘we’. He talks about how in the full intimacy of love, the person is known and cleansed and accepted to form we with the other partner. Poiesis, from the Greeks, is contingent on the other person feeling the exact same way, it means to bring something into the world that didn’t exist before. There is a mutual knowing, a mutual eagerness to be with the person. Unrequited love does not have this feature — you’re trying to make we out of thin air.

S scoffs.

B: Just let me finish, please. When we is unbalanced or unhealthy, our whole world falls apart. I’m sorry to be brutal but you can’t make lemonade out of strawberries, you need lemons. All I’m saying is that you won’t ever be able to have poiesis with John, when his we is with Clare.

S: Go fuck yourself.

The two sit in silence for a while. S glares at B, who tries to avert her gaze by stirring the teacup in front of her.

[pause]

B: Sounds like you’re suffering from magpesis.

S crosses her arms.

S: Don’t say words like that to try to sound smart. I know you, asshole.

B leans forward on the table.

B: I’m not making it up, I swear! I went to the gallery the other day and saw Sarah McEwan’s new exhibition: Unrequited Love (The Great Magpesis). It was all about how unreciprocated love makes us experience three main feelings: mania, agape, poiesis. Mania, you’ll know; but agape and poiesis I tried to explain earlier. They’re the Greek words for charitable, spiritual love and the act of bringing something new into the world. Put all those feelings together, you get magpesis. I seriously had never been so moved by artwork before in my life; I could feel the yearning and heartbreak oozing from her little abstract figures on the wall. This feeling…it was entirely relatable. I sat in that room and stared at her art for hours, I bet the staff thought I was insane.

S: What does this have to do with me?

B: I think if you want to stop feeling this way, you need to tell John how you feel.

S gasps.

S: Are you serious? That could ruin his relationship, I’m not a homewrecker!

B: No, no, I’m not encouraging that. I reckon the easiest way to get over magpesis is to confront it head on. It’s only gotten this bad because you’ve allowed yourself to get caught up in some delusion rather than accepting the truth. And, if he’s secure in his relationship with Clare — I believe he is — then he will just acknowledge your feelings and you can let it go. It’s always best to be honest. That’s me saying that, not any dead philosophers.

S: I think you need a hobby.

S gets up and storms off.

There’s a voice in the distance that calls the girl into the house, lunch is ready.