Horrible horoscopes

Through our powers of divination, here are your fortunes for the following month.

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Aries: The following month will prove useful for any creative endeavours you set your mind to. But it will prove useless for any attempt to become motivated to work on these creative endeavours.

Taurus: This month proves fruitful for harvest. The organisms growing in the glass of water you left beside your bed will soon show signs of life. Keep it by the window and let it soak in the sun’s rays.

Gemini: Avoid mirrors this month, any attempt at self reflection may result in danger and apperception.

Cancer: THE CRAB KING DEMANDETH SACRIFICES, BRING ME YOUR BODIES!

Leo: The stars predict that you will find abundant riches, just as long as you don’t read the rest of this sentence. Oh no, too bad. Looks like you missed out on the abundant riches :( 

Virgo: [REDACTED] listen to any [REDACTED] horoscopes that have been [REDACTED] redacted this month.

Libra: You will come across a very accurate horoscope prediction this month. Lend credence to all of its insights.

Scorpio: Someone has a crush on you, but I won’t tell you who, hehe!

Sagittarius: If you have made this far, I don’t have much time. The astrology girlies have held me captive, forcing me at gunpoint to write these horoscopes. Please! My whereabouts are - AAAAAAHHHHH!

Capricorn: Consume Capri Sun and corn copiously.

Aquarius: Üsë as mäny ümläüts thïs mönth äs pössïble.

Pisces: [JOKE TERM RAN OUT. PLEASE RENEW YOUR FORTUNE SUBSCRIPTION AT YOUR LOCAL APOTHECARY]