TEN Thoughts I Had At The USU Soapbox

WORDS BY BIANKA FARMAKIS

Every year, the USU elections come around to give us a whole fortnight of fresh content to dissect, while we all ignore the impending hell that is STUVAC.

The only thing different about this year is that I was forced to actually read all the candidate’s policy statements to ask vaguely intelligent questions at the USU Soapbox.
 
Here’s what went through my mind during the whole 67 minute #STUPOL session.

ONE: Is it bad form to get on the turps during this thing?

Now I don’t need any liquid courage to open my mouth, but word to the wise - anything STUPOL related should be held at a time when drinking hard liquor is socially acceptable.

TWO: Everyone is really unprepared

This is a very hypocritical point coming from someone who wrote their questions as candidates were speaking but come on. Make our jobs tough and come ready to tear through any attitude we have to give to you. Running a 'however million dollar' entity the USU is requires preparation and planning.

THREE: Why are there so many campaigners for Maya here?

Love the solidarity and support but wouldn’t it be a better use of time for these campaigners to be talking to people? Maya’s an eloquent individual, I doubt she needed that much moral support. If I ran for USU, I wouldn’t even allow time for a lunch break, but anyway.

FOUR: Best years of our lives are right here in Manning Bar

Candidate Connor Wherrett said these past two years at Uni have “been the best” of his life. Oh honey, how I WISH I could relate.

FIVE: Why the fuck is no one actually answering my questions?

I’m not asking you to give me a spiel on the meaning of life, so stop boring me with these roundabout answers that sound like a dramatic reading of “War & Peace” and get to the point.

SIX: Am I reacting too obviously to everything being said

I have never played poker, and never will. My face was kept about as straight as Oxford Street on Mardi Gras, sue me. 

SEVEN: “PULP IS SHIT” was yelled from the crowd

Can I live?

EIGHT: Are you really an “INDEPENDENT”? 

Why does every liberal run as an independent? Like we all know your political alignment, just embrace it sweetie. God forbid you don’t get votes from your opposing political faction that we’re never going to vote for you anyway.

NINE: APOLITICAL POLITICAL ELECTIONS

If I hear one more person say there isn’t ‘anything political’ about USU elections, I’ll drink a bleach martini. Like okay, we’re just having this long campaign, soapbox and torturous amount of candidate marketing and policy statements because STUPOL isn’t political. Spare me.

TEN: Is the USU now an influence in government policy?

Can USU candidates stop promising they’re going to change national legislation. Give me a break, drop the aspirational BS and just tell me you’re going to save Unibros or something.