From L to R: beer mask, turmeric mask, avocado mask, oatmeal mask, well-loved succulents. All images by Jemima Wilson.

You know those days where one minute you’re at home sick and the next you’re watching YouTube stars talk about homemade foundation whilst wearing porridge on your face? Yeah, today was one of those days.

I am shamelessly revealing my YouTube beauty tutorial addiction in an attempt to simplify, cheapen and add instant pinterest cred to my skincare routine. I put my very sensitive skin and my shreds of dignity on the line to test four common DIY masks, so you don’t have to.

My testing method (based on rigorous scientific technique, of course) was as follows:

Make all the masks.
Put masks in fancy jars, take a picture of them where they are semi presentable.
Apply to my face.
Take a selfie, then wait 5 – 10 minutes depending on if the mask felt like it was melting me or not.
Wash off with water. Repeat.

Mask 1: The classic Oatmeal, Honey and Lemon mask by Cheerful Syanu.

The Good:
My $50 Jurlique exfoliator has oats and honey in it, so this mask seems legit. The oats actually do soften my skin. I also went rogue and added coconut oil and almond milk to this because as a white girl of the internet, it would be sacrilege not to. The almond milk was off, so it may or may not have introduced new bacteria to my skin – unsure if this is the good type of culture.

The Bad:
It didn’t sit well on my skin which meant that splodges of porridge fall onto my new bath mat/the floor/my pants and fail to actually make much contact with me. It stings on application, which is probably the lemon. The texture is decidedly unpleasant.

The Ugly:
It looks like porridge. It’s on my face. The overall impression is that of a cane toad. Great.

2. Avocado Mask by The Simple Care

The Good:
Look, Miley Cyrus did it. Rule number 1 of DIY is that if a celebrity does it, it must work. In all honesty though, this mask is great. I was surprised to feel genuinely moisturised without any oily residue. It smells pretty neutral, and rubs in well. In the video, they use fancy brushes. I only own a toothbrush, so I just used my fingers.

The Bad:
This is a great mask, with the caveat that avocados have to be a reasonable price for it to be worth doing. The tutorial youtubers use A WHOLE AVO BETWEEN THEM. I used a quarter because I have a small face and a distinct lack of $$$.

The Ugly:
Nothing. This mask is glorious. I don’t even care that it makes me look like Shrek.

3. Turmeric Mask by Bianca Renee Today

The Good:
This mask had a really nice texture. It’s not too thick and not too thin, and because of the flour it feels mildly exfoliating. That is where it ends. Due to a deep fear of turning yellow, I kept this mask on for a total of about 1.5 minutes and it STILL left the bridge of my nose vaguely yellow. It also made me sting and contrary to the tutorials claims, made my eye bags even larger. Maybe that was just the stress of having a YELLOW DYE on my face. We will never know because I am never doing this again.

The Bad:
I am terrified of turmeric. I googled “will turmeric mask turn me yellow” prior to making this and the answer seemed to depend on whether or not there was dairy with it. I only drink soy so I stole my partner’s milk (sorry, not sorry). I also added soy yoghurt just in case ~probiotics~ had anything to do with this mysterious science. Regardless, I would say that the risk of ending up yellow, rather than glowing, is very high.

The Ugly:
A VERY REAL RISK that this will turn you into a character from the Simpsons.

4. BEER and yoghurt mask by Moda Mob

The Good:
Appears to be some sort of microbial soup which is a positive sign. Perhaps a new life form will appear in my little jar???

The Bad:
I don’t know if it was me, my soy yoghurt, or the type of beer, but this was so runny that I cannot in any good faith call it a mask. After splashing some on, my skin was yet again very tight.

The Ugly:
It fizzed whenever I touched it. This mask might be good for someone who wants to feel like a loaf of sourdough, or smell like a brewery. I can’t believe they recommend this to hungover people.

Final thoughts:

My skin is now incredibly worked up and my soy yoghurt stash is very depleted. I present you with the (perhaps unsurprising) finding that face masks in general might just be entirely superfluous. However, we all indulge sometimes. I don’t recommend you ever try four DIY masks in quick succession, or that you should even think about putting beer and yoghurt on your face. Simply pop down to the local and grab an avocado. You, your glowing skin and empty bank account will thank me later.

Four DIY face masks that NEARLY work