How to deal with a break up
From one uni student to another, Bella Sträuli gives her advice on how to get over a breakup.
I have received the age-old “find someone else” advice quite a few times since my own breakup but I would like to take a different approach to break-ups that are more about focusing on yourself and letting yourself heal in the properly given time. If finding someone else works for you - then go for it! But in saying that, here are my three main unqualified pieces of advice.
1. Don’t talk to them
My first piece of advice is to cut off contact with them, even though it might seem harsh and you still might want them in your life. In the short term, it is best to put some distance between you and your ex-partner. This means, unfortunately, not checking their social media. There is undoubtedly an attachment and bond created when you share a romantic relationship with someone but separating the line between ‘friendship’ and ‘relationship’ requires distance.
It is hard to let go of someone and the life you used to share but even if you did want to get back together, for now, it’s better if you treat it as though it is a closed chapter. I think starting with challenging yourself by not checking their social media, talking to them or talking about them for one month allows you to recognise a life without them, and helps start the journey towards a new chapter of your life.
And what helped me with that was...
2. Embark on new experiences
For me it was really important to ‘start fresh’ and that doesn’t mean forgetting what you had or the experiences you shared but try doing some things you didn’t try with them. Making new memories and experiences helps you explore the things you couldn’t do together, or they didn’t like doing. For example, doing a bit of art, going rock climbing, going on walks, going to museums or finding new coffee shops are little things you can do to create new memories. You can always go to a cafe or restaurant where you went together but I wouldn’t recommend it.
While you're out doing these new, exciting things you can always throw on a sad breakup playlist and have a good cry, but at least you are not sitting at home alone crying (but if you do find yourself doing that, that’s ok too!).
Trying new things is so important for changing your mindset but also you can be proud of yourself for getting outdoors, or even trying to get outdoors. I took the extreme example of moving cities, but even if you stay in the same city with the same friends, there are still ways to embark on a new experience. I found it really useful because even if the experience isn’t amazing it will still always be better than sitting at home alone and reminiscing.
3. Call your friends and family!
There are still lots of people out there who love you and who you love and reaching out to friends just to have a rant, have a chat, play a game or anything else is just so refreshing. Grabbing a coffee or even having a call with a friend you haven’t spoken to in a while is such an underrated thing to do. You have extra time, which usually would be contributed to your partner so what helped me was redirecting that energy to other people I love. You can suggest friendship dates like dinners, drinks, movie nights in, sports or even just a chat about old memories. Just because you are single doesn’t mean you have no one to reach out to.
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Getting over a breakup is difficult and you have to do what’s right for you but filling up your time with little things has definitely helped me feel a bit more productive and excited for a fresh start. Breaking up is a little rebellious act towards freedom and it’s scary before it happens but take this opportunity to learn to be with yourself and get excited for the things you love doing without compromise.
Otherwise, as an alternative, you can reach out to me and we can start a fresh-out-a-relationship-single support group. It will be a hit, I promise.