5 ways to bring up your European vacation that no one asked to hear about
WORDS BY NOAH VAZ
With a new semester beginning and the swathes of Australians returning from their European Summer stint, let this article act as a guide for those not wanting to waste their photos or memories on useless Instagram throwbacks, but indulge in conversation.
1. Slip Jetlag into the conversation
Beware that your European fatigue can come off as simple millennial ennui. The old faithful lecture conversation starter “I’m so tired” needs to be accompanied by some specific mention of Jetlag. Here’s a trial conversation: Them: “Oh hey good to see you!”
You: “Oh hey how are you? I’m SOOO jet lagged help rip lol lmao”
Them: “Oh where did you go?”
BAM - you’re in.
2. Leave some foreign currency or transportation cards (that aren’t an opal) in your wallet
It’s tough to master the open-wallet faux ruffle for cash (because tbh who uses cash anymore) so that your friends can see your diverse overseas spending habits . One tip is getting your friend in a queue to hold something of yours so their eyesight is focussed on what you’re doing. It’s always great to feign some sort of faux frustration over not having Australian dollars, and then holding up a 10 pound note or an Oyster card with a silly slapstick smile on your face. “What’s that?” they ask.
Well, well, well.
3. Correct people’s pronunciation of European vacation destinations
Wouldn’t it be cruel to let your friends continue saying Barcelona when you can introduce them to the Castilian lisp you so warmly adopted? Or would it not be cultural appropriation if you didn’t insist the removal of the ‘s’ from ‘Paris’. Think of how much humiliation your friend received when she thought the word ‘chameleon’ was pronounced with a hard “ch”. Be a good friend.
4. Talk about your tan lines and sunburn
Brush up on trivial environmental science to make vaguely believable claims about Europe’s stronger ozone layer. Find ways to shed your layers in your heated-up lecture and tute rooms, and lament the slow fade of your olive, Mediterranean glow. For bonus points you can complain about how you always get burnt in Sydney but didn’t burn ONCE abroad!
5. Your phone background
Whenever you check the time or messages make an obvious act out of reaching for your phone. Make sure you become an expert at quickly dismissing your notifications so those adjacent to you can get an unobstructed view of your stellar Mykonian sunset shot or your birkenstock-encompassing full body portrait at Copenhagen’s Nyhavn. For those too cultured to hit up the major capitals let us into your Romanian adventure or your Belarusian voyage - we crave your explanation of why Paris is passé or London is lame!