WORDS BY HAYDN HICKSON

I had a minor anxiety attack at work yesterday. I was in the backroom of the retail store that I work in, sneakily trying to load the Coachella livestream on YouTube. But lo and behold, it was not available in my country, fuck. Panicking, I then tried a link that a friend of mine sent me, at which point the Wi-Fi stopped working, double fuck. So – freaking out - I decided to put my phone away and wait for the day to end so I could watch it all in one go when I got home. It wasn’t until the editor of this piece ruined it all by sending me spoilers, but whatever, I digress…

Basically, Beyoncé rocked it. It is simply impossible to explain the ways in which she annihilated that Coachella stage. Within seconds of her appearing on screen it was obvious that the audience, the viewers and that iconic stage were not worthy of her presence. Everything from the marching band motif to the incredible special guests made this performance one for the ages. But if you missed it, here are five takeaways from her iconic performance.

1. Beyoncé’s discography is better than your faves.

If you asked a room full of 100 people, it is quite likely that 99 of them will have Beyoncé on their Spotify. The question is, how much and which era do they have? Are you the kind of gal that has Single Ladies and Run the World on your running playlist? Or are you a 90s R&B fan that only listen to 4 on repeat? Regardless, last night’s performance proved that Beyoncé’s discography is extensive and versatile. So much so, that Grammy-winning singles and singles that went to number-one, were merely referenced or scrapped.

2. Crazy in Love will never die.

Ah, Crazy in Love. It’s the song that’s constantly regarded as one of the greatest songs of all time. It’s the song that gets everyone to the dancefloor at weddings. It’s the song that’s been performed at two Superbowl’s. And last night, it cemented its own GOAT-level status with a marching-band and revamped, extensive choreography. Maybe lines like “kind of hoping you’ll page me right now” haven’t stood the test of time, but that hasn’t stopped this song from global domination.

3. Beyoncé can rap.

It does seem like whatever Beyoncé tries, she nails. We knew she could sing, dance and act, but now she can rap, and it’s mesmerising. Beyoncé the rapper is our favourite kind of Beyoncé, because it’s this Beyoncé that’s less concerned with perfection. She’s the Beyoncé that embodies “BAD BITCH B” with fierce rhymes and cocky flows. Beyoncé the rapper will not only outshine rap-legend JAY Z, but will do so with a 30 second interlude telling all men to suck on her balls…. Legend.

4. Kelly and Michelle aren’t really up to much these days.

While Kelly’s on the Voice Australia and Michelle is on… her mother’s mind…. It does seem like the only time these ladies are relevant are when Beyoncé springs them back into the spotlight. No tea, no shade. I’m simply stating facts. When was the last time you sought out Kelly Rowland / David Guetta track? Or sought out a Michelle Williams gospel banger? Op, maybe there was tea…

5. Beyoncé is the greatest performer alive.

I could use this section of the article to list the abundance of celebrities that praised her performance last night. But instead, I urge you to watch her performance for yourself. You may not like the music she makes, you make not like what she stands for… But, even if you watch a minute of this performance, you will see why she is truly regarded as the Queen of music. You simply cannot deny the aura that she carries with her as she steps on the stage. You simply can’t deny the level of artistry and talent she brings to the table whenever you see her. She’s constantly breaking records, notably last night as the first black woman ever to headline the festival. What’s most exciting though is knowing she hasn’t peaked yet. She’s not even close.

Five Takeaways from Beychella