RECAP: The Bachelor 2020 Episode 1

Ellie Stephenson recaps an extremely chaotic first episode.

I am very glad Bachelor in Paradise is over. That show was absolutely interminable: so visibly toxic and insanely edited that what should be a guilty pleasure was simply guilty. All the same, I’m lining up for more, and will now be a religious viewer of The Bachelor’s Season 8.

Episode 1 begins with Osher listing some miscellaneous adventure sports our Bachelor and ex-Survivor contestant Locky can do. 

We then get a tearful preview of the season to come, including the tragic imposition of COVID-19 regulations stopping production, and Locky being unable to choose between two of the women. There is a lot of crying. Seriously. Almost Jamie Doran level breakdowns. This season is promising. 

We meet Locky, who is 30 and lives in WA. He speaks exclusively in cliches: “Living life on the edge is amazing”, he says. “I want to find the right person... I live a crazy life... I’m ready for love” 

My main observation about him is that he's extremely tall. The production team has not thought the WHS implications of this through; poor Osher must crane his neck even to see Locky’s face. 

After a briefing from Osher, Locky waits for the contestant to arrive. It’s as good a time as any for a few more cliches: “Be yourself… you’ll be fine”. 

Steph is first up. She is blonde and likes burritos. Locky seems impressed that she eats burritos, an extremely rare and prized trait, duh. We learn that he hates spicy food, which is deeply unsurprising. 

Izzy, the next contestant, tells us she wants a man who can give her an asthma attack from laughter. This sounds like a challenge at first, but she immediately starts giggling - and wheezing - upon making eye contact with Locky. She has not received the memo on his chilli aversion, and has weirdly brought him a platter of chillies to see if he can “handle the heat”. He nibbles the chilli gingerly, clearly terrified. She ends the encounter with a few puffs of Ventolin.

Nicole, who is 26 and a dancer, asks Locky to dance with her. He says he is a “big, goofy, big guy” in case we have not yet realised he is absolutely massive. But despite his self-deprecation, he’s actually pretty decent and Nicole is impressed. 

Irena, a nurse, comes in and checks Locky’s heart beat, which is racing because she is “pretty pretty”. Milena brings Annie the dog, who deserved more screen time. Locky gets lost in Juliette’s eyes and tutored by Maddy, a primary school teacher. 

OK, enough quick, pleasant encounters. It’s time for some drama. Enter Areeba, who is a self-described boss. That’s right, she’s a boss. She’s bossy. Did she mention she’s a boss? Locky accedes to her bossiness meekly, cowering slightly. 

Next is Rosemary, who waddles into the mansion wearing a penguin suit over high heels - honestly, quite impressive. Locky agrees, calling this a “baller move”.

Zoe-Clare enters, informing us that she is “loud, blunt, and fiery”. I have a slight feeling she will clash with Areeba. She’s exhibiting some alarming cannibal tendencies, repeatedly describing her desire to eat Locky, first as a desert and then spread on bread. Very normal. 

Leilani, Clare, Georgie, Belle, Gemma, Marg, Paige, Christina and Roxi enter in quick succession. I’m resigned to never being able to distinguish them. Ah well. 

Nadine enters to the sound of drums, which a sour Laura, waiting in the car, views as over the top. Laura then informs us she is a “snob” who likes Louis Vuitton purses and Porches and other things which are definitely understated, minimalist and not at all over the top.

“Aren’t I just so sparkly”, she crows. She brings out a paper chatterbox to greet Locky, which might have been a good idea if the result hadn’t been “how much will you spend on presents for me”. It becomes very clear that their love languages are - to put it lightly - not aligned. Locky thinks of money in units of “trips to Bali” and prefers experiences to gifts. Laura likes designer handbags. She does not like Bali, however, saying it’s “dangerous” and “gross”. I can’t really see these two getting on. 

Charley comes in next and is the first girl to actually recognise Locky from Survivor. Apart from being perceptive, she is utterly obsessed with her eyebrows. She swears on her eyebrows to the other girls that Locky was on Survivor, even promising to shave them off if she’s wrong. It’s undeniably a brave move. 

Bella walks in to fairytale music. Locky gets lost in her eyes. She gives him a heart pin to wear on his sleeve. Charley should bet her eyebrows on Bella winning. 

Osher enters, informing everyone that a triple threat rose (a franchise first!) is up for grabs. This will give the recipient a guaranteed date, group date and visit to the Bachie pad. Unsurprisingly an absolute furore ensues, with the women urgently vying for Locky’s attention. 

The first contestant he talks to is Rosemary, whose bold penguin-clad introduction impressed him.  She tells us she is “not just a penguin” and takes off her costume to reveal a dress. All the other girls are shocked to discover that Rosemary is not, in fact, a real seabird.

Laura continues to be sour. She’s annoyed that Charley recognised Locky. She absolutely hates Rosemary’s penguin suit. She simply cannot understand why he didn’t come straight to her, to hear more of her scintillating thoughts on Chanel and tourist destinations.

Zoe-Clare’s chat with Locky is interrupted by Areeba, who simply third wheels until Zoe-Clare feels uncomfortable enough to escape. Areeba continues to intimidate Locky, explaining, once again, in case anyone could possibly have missed it that she is a Boss™. She says she will fight all the girls to be with him. This seems ill-advised, frankly.

Zoe-Clare is also leaning into the pugilist spirit, seemingly aided by being absolutely smashed. She proceeds to have an absolutely incredible breakdown, deciding unilaterally and seemingly unpromptedly that she is being targeted for her red hair. “There are blondes, brunettes, and then there’s me”, she sobs. This is completely nonsensical, given Areeba is also not a blonde or brunette. 

Surely this is editing, I think, because she’s started rambling about her “bone structure” with literally no context. Surely there must be some reason for this breakdown. Nope. A producer asks her if someone actually mentioned her red hair. No one has. Zoe-Clare sobs, pledging to fight red-head discrimination until the day she dies. Thanks, Channel 10, for bravely giving a platform to this spectacular breakdown vital human rights campaign. 

Her blood alcohol reading crescendos. She decides to confront Areeba, all but screaming at her: “what you did was really not appropriate”. Areeba is impressively unintimidated. “I really don’t care”, she smiles. Seems fair. 

Dancer Nicole is teaching Locky to dance again. They’re doing the Dirty Dancing lift. Laura is not pleased (what’s new?). Her rage intensifies when Nicole receives the all-important triple threat rose. “I can do a high kick too”, she spits. 

Laura’s displeasure reaches a new high at the rose ceremony. Despite - as far as we can see - hardly talking to the Bachelor - she’s expecting the first rose. No one else is remotely surprised when she does not get it. She spends several long minutes death-staring Locky until she finally receives a rose. “Nyeah”, she shrugs, taking it unenthusiastically. It’ll do. It’s not a new purse, but it’ll do. 

We farewell Nadine and Paige, gone and quickly forgotten. 

Episode score: 7/10

Laura’s displeasure-meter: 75/100 - high, but there’s still room for a full blown tantrum

Ranga oppression: Disturbing

Best moment: Groundbreaking asthmatic representation

Worst moment: Zoe-Claire calling Areeba “abracadabra”. Really?