The 5 Wackiest People in your Zoom Tutes

Ellie Stephenson on the people that flout Zoom etiquette.

Now that we’ve all become fully-fledged Zoomers, we’ve been opened up to new worlds of wacky tute behaviour. From sound and video issues to flagrant violations of social mores, here are the strangest and most annoying individuals we’ve experienced so far: 

1. The Chatterbox

Tutorial, or stream-of-consciousness vlog? For this person, there is no difference. You’ll find them enthusiastically interrupting literally everyone (including the tutor) and blythely chatting about their day. They’ll get overly familiar with the tutor and refer to academic theorists by first name. This person is the natural enemy of the Zoom ‘hand up’ feature and all remnants of social convention. 

2. The Bandwidth Black Hole

Like Narcissus mythically gazed at his own reflection, this classmate physically cannot stop admiring themselves in their Zoom camera. Watch them unsubtly flex their arm muscles or pout their lips as they suck up your internet. Eventually, your poor computer gives out, and they become a garbled conglomeration of extremely conceited pixels. You can no longer admire their artfully curated outfits, carefully angled laptop cameras and minimalist workspaces — tragic. 

3. The Hot Mic

This person simply does not know how to mute themselves. As a result, you’re subjected to a live rendition of all the aural minutiae going on in their house: their brother’s piano practice, their mum shouting in the distance, their concerningly heavy breathing, and the occasional, inexplicable, ear-splitting static. You think you have an economics tute but you end up being subjected to an experimental noise track. Meanwhile this hapless character remains blissfully oblivious. 

4. The absentee 

Your tutor, valiantly trying to facilitate class discussion, picks a random student to speak. Their name echoes into the abyss. The tutor tries again to no response. The class pauses awkwardly, the silence thickens, yet the AWOL student will never know. You may have emotionally checked out of uni this semester, but this person has physically checked out. We wish them well, wherever they are. 

5.The Luddite

This poor person (likely your tutor or a mature-aged student) is really not handling the age of digital uni so well. They keep accidentally muting themselves, dropping out or yelling into the mic. You thought that attending university from your bedroom is the height of convenience, but for these people, it’d be simpler to navigate the peak hour Redfern Run. They really hope all this will be over soon.