Bill Shorten threatening legal action over Amir Jabbari’s 100 positive policies

Daany Saeed has noticed some similarities.

Amir pictured preparing a Zinger

Bill Shorten is reportedly fuming today, wondering how on earth this Amir Jabbari kid got a hold of his patented 100 Positive Policies formula. Pulp can exclusively reveal the incensed former Opposition Leader is threatening legal action over the famously successful campaign strategy, which delivered unprecedented results for the ALP at the last federal election.

Jabbari, a proud Labor man with over 500+ LinkedIn connections, wakes up at 4am every morning. He seems to have spent these hours sneaking into Sussex Street before the crack of dawn to pinch what some have termed ‘the Communist Manifesto’. On top of following their how-to-votes, Jabbari seems to have followed the spirit of contemporary Labor policymaking, often making absolutely no fucking sense whatsoever in his bid for Board Directorship.

Policy 27, “gathering for literally no reason”, is chief among these, given there’s apparently a bit of a chest bug going about. Policy 4 is a proposed dating program to fix anxiety, and Policy 90 refers to a “100 Rejects” program to quell self-esteem issues, we assume as a contingency for the failures of the dating program. Policy 21 is cutting funding to Incubate, and Policy 88 is increasing the number of start-ups supported by Incubate, ostensibly by increasing funding. Policy 81, gathering for no reason but to laugh, is evidently inspired by the joke that is Labor climate policy, and much like the whole deal with franking credits, we still can’t figure out Policy 91.

As he no doubt has been counselled by Mr Shorten, Jabbari has refused to speak about offshore detention, bafflingly telling Pulp it was “outside the USU’s remit”. Hopefully he hasn’t taken inspiration from Labor here in his policy about “culture shock” for international students. 

More to come as this story develops.