Words by Alexi Barnstone

The long wait is almost over. In just under a week the English Premier League is set to return. Teams have been incredibly busy this transfer window, spending millions on young prospects, veteran superstars, and everything in between. With too many teams of ambition and too few positions on the table to achieve it, this year is gearing up to be another epic iteration in the eternal saga that is English football. As such, before all the action, let us take a look at each team in the league, their goals, players, transfers and fandom expectations.

Expert pundits have had their say, it is now my time. Please enjoy this breakdown of every club before the season kicks off, narrated and dictated by a cynical Arsenal fan ill prepared to suffer another season with Mustafi at the back.

Arsenal

Arsenal are coming off yet another disappointing year of football. Finishing 4th in the Premier league has now become a cult classic meme fans envy from the good old days. Staring down a third consecutive year devoid of Champions League football is as poignant as it is deserved. Arsenal’s defence has been a constant problem that has gone unfixed over the last couple years and cost the team many points. Signing Nicholas Pepe was an exemplar of the excellent fiscal management from the club, acquiring a $130 million Australian dollar signing on a contract paid out over five years. The Ceballos loan from Real Madrid seems a decent short-term Ramsey replacement, but the quality is not guaranteed…. Ceballos having yet to prove himself in first team football. If the loan pans out similar to Daniel Suarez, then Arsenal will be struggling in the middle of the park. Last year Ramsey was the link between the lines, moving the ball from defence to attack. Ozil doesn’t have the work rate and Xhaka has the pace of a snail. Torreira is an exciting prospect but has struggled to settle into life in England, and isn’t a transitional player, preferred in a CDM role breaking up play.

Arsenal will undoubtedly field one of the most menacing offences in the league this year. Equally undoubtedly, they will leak goals. The Tierney and Luiz deal is finally complete, but one must ask whether that is sufficient bolstering in the modern Premier League era. Koscielney is has vacated the club with little grace for Boudreaux, Mustafi is a useless piece of garbage that no one wants to buy, and Saliba is staying at St Etienne for another year solutions at the back are hard to find. Luiz is an improvement on what we currently have, however still falls short of the top tier of centre backs. Tiereney is an exciting prospect that has impressed widely in the Scottish Premier League. The step up to the English level is yet to be done. Both Van Dijk and Andrew Robertson took stepping stone clubs from the SPL to get to Liverpool, playing for Southhampton and Hull respectively, and while we can hope Tiereney is an equally talented revelation in defence he has not had time to settle into the best league in the world. It may take some. Tiereney enables Arsenal to play with a more solid back four, Luiz does not solve the issues we have at the centre back position. As such, let us say it is still all in transition and acknowledge the likelihood of a lot of 4-3 wins.

The club is aiming for Champions league football, to get there they will have to outscore the opposition. As per the last couple years clean sheets may be hard to come by, be weary of Arsenal Defenders Fantasy Footballers. Despite all this, I will hold onto hope. My prediction? The return of the 4th. Inching the Champions League playoff position away from a transfer banned Chelsea and a cursed United.

Aston Villa

Aston Villa are back in the Premier League with a bang. In an expensive bid to solidify top league football the Birmingham outfit have gone out and spent record amounts of money. Totalling a whopping $260 million Australian dollars the Claretons have purchased Jota (Birmingham) Anwar El Ghazi (Lille) Wesley (Club Brugge) Kortney Hause (Wolves) Matt Targett (Southampton) Tyrone Mings (AFC Bournemouth) Ezri Konsa (Brentford) Bjorn Engels (Stade Reims) Trezeguet (Kasimpasa) Douglas Luiz (Man City) Tom Heaton (Burnley) Marvelous Nakamba (Club Brugge). Talk about a haul over!

The team’s aim is for a mid-table finish, but could they follow in the footsteps of Wolves last season and make something more of their new signings? Or is this a repeat of Fulham last year? Time will tell. For now I postulate that the club will find itself in the league next year by a fraction.

Bournemouth

The Cherries have had a relatively relaxed transfer window, largely holding onto their squad and adding a few key names. Among them Phillip Billing from Huddersfield and Harry Wilson from Liverpool. Billing impressed in the latter part of last Premier League season, showing his skill as a holding midfielder. The massive 6’ 6” player is a good addition for the south coast outfit. His presence in front of the back four will give Jefferson Lerma license to roam further forward, joining in the menacing attack Bournemouth fields among Callum Wilson, Ryan Fraser David Brooks, and Joshua King. Harry Wilson may not plug directly into the side, but he will most definitely have a part to play this season. Another bonus to a polished Cherries side.

Eddie How has done brilliantly holding onto all of Bournemouth’s top players, and Billing looks to be the final piece in a competitive side. Since joining the Premier League three years ago the Cherries haven’t really had to struggle in a relegation scrap, comfortably sitting mid table at the end of each season. This year they may push for more. My prediction is a top half finish for the club, I would love for them to make Europa but I cannot see them edging Everton this year.

Brighton

It may come as a shock to many football fans to see Brighton Hove Albion spending sparingly following a relegation scare last season. After 38 games the club found itself two points and one spot away from reacquainting itself with the Championship. A temper tantrum prone Anthony Knockaert and an aging Glenn Murray may not prove sufficient this year.

The 27 million AUD winger Trossard from Genk is a welcome addition to the squad. Unfortunately, that kind of money only buys second rate players these days, especially in the forward positions. Can he live up to the demands of English football?

On deadline day Brighton secured the Neal Maupay and Adam Webster. The Striker and centre back both cost $35 million AUD from their respective Championship sides. They will both be a boost, but neither have impressed enough for me to change my mind. Aaron Mooy arrives on a season long loan, an improvement on their current midfield options. None of it is enough in my eyes. Mooy was part of a relegated side last year, I think he may do the double. My prediction for Brighton is an unfortunate one. I believe their time in the Premier League is up.

Burnley

Burnley have added Jay Rodriquez, Erik Pieters and Danny Drinkwater to their squad this year, adding more whip and heading ability to their repertoire. Burnley will look to consolidate another year in the top flight with strong home form. No one likes travelling to Burnley, and no one likes playing there either. Good home form will be the key. My prediction? Ugly football does the job yet again, and Burnley end the season toward the bottom half of the table.

Chelsea

The Russian-affiliate-founded-in-2003 club in the posh part of London has an interesting challenge ahead of them. Having secured Champions League football last year, the club is where it wants to be. Remaining there this season may be a serious challenge. The club has lost Eden Hazard to Real Madrid and has been unable to make any significant replacement signings due to a transfer ban. The purchase of Kovacic is the only transfer they were able to complete, due to an option to buy following a year-long loan at the club. Pulisic has also arrived in London, being purchased midway through last season.

Frank Lampard, Chelsea’s all-time top goal scorer, returns to manage a transitional blue outfit. With only one year of managerial experience under his belt the step up from Derby county may be difficult. Frank has consistently spoken about his reliance this year on youth, having recalled many of the exciting prospects on the seemingly endless list of Chelsea loan players. Can Lampard inspire a Tammy Abraham breakout season in London? In my opinion, I doubt it. He has failed to prove himself in the top flight before and he may be another player destined to live his career out in the Championship. Is Hudson Odoi or Pulisic good enough to replace Hazard? Only time will truly tell. The American winger may take time to adjust to the physicality of the Premier League, and Odoi is still being eased into first team football.

The season appears poised to go one of two ways. We either see an inspired year lead by a club legend which only further solidifies his name in the Chelsea hall of fame, accompanied by the emergence of an entirely new generation of talent. Or, alternatively, a disappointing year exposing the dark vat of nothingness left by Hazard’s departure. A desperate year that in which Chelsea sink back to Mourinho lows. Lampard left as the scape goat and his inexperience blamed, followed by big Russian money purchases next summer. I bet on the latter.

Crystal Palace

After all the drama could Zaha really be staying at Palace? If I were a Palace fan I would certainly hope so. Ever since signing for the club watching Zaha at Palace feels like you are a disapproving father watching your 140+ IQ child hang out with high school dropouts. “Why is he still there? He is so much better than them.” A Zaha-less Palace would be pinned for relegation. With him and a freshly kitted Gary Cahill, the club will probably finish toward the bottom half of the table. I cannot wait for another 33 game/3 goal season from Christian Benteke – remember his bicycle against United? What the hell happened? If only him and Stormzy really were the same person, then at least Benteke would still have a career.

Everton

The eternally inferior Merseyside rivals are on the up. The Toffees finished last season beating United, Arsenal and Chelsea and drawing with Tottenham and Liverpool. Many believe that Marco Silva is shaping up to be the next Pochettino. On top of that the club recently unveiled a proposal for a new 52,000-seater stadium. Having finished 8th last year European football is surely the aim for this year’s campaign. With new signings Fabian Delph (Man City), Moise Kean (Juventus), Andre Gomez (Barcelona) and Alex Iwobi (Arsenal) the outfit will field formidably against all sides in the league. Kean is not quite the refined goal scorer he could be yet, however he is an exciting prospect that was liked a lot in Turin. There is no need for Iwobi to prove his footwork or his pace, but adding goals to his game was a constant failed desire during his time at Arsenal. Can things be different with the Toffies? I doubt it, his shooting should be under 35 on FIFA.

The departure of Idrissa Gana Gueye to Paris Saint Germaine is a loss and Marco Silva will hope to plug that hole in the midfield with Davies or Delph. The year is a promising one for the Toffees and I have them to achieve their goals, a place in the Europa League playoffs.

Leicester

Goodbye Harry Maguire. Hello frantic week of trying to find a centre back. Leicester fans are condemned to constant disappointment. Especially those that emerged after 2015. The club has neither the players nor the funds to achieve what they did under Claudio Ranieri. They look destined for another mid table finish this year. The signing of Ayoze Perez will add to the Jamie Vardy party. Getting Youri Tielemans from Monaco this summer gives them a solid range of midfielders to use, and Brendan Rodgers had them playing good football at the end of last season only losing 3 of their last 10 fixtures. The club looks set for high goal scoring and conceding year. Yet to plug the hole left by a certain $143 million AUD departure it seems likely Leicester will be a great team to watch this year. Expect a lot of 3-3 results.

Sorry to spoil the dream 2015ers but mid table seems likely again. Enjoy wishing you had started watching in 2011 like all your other City supporting mates.

Liverpool

There is something seriously sweet about certain football statistics. For example; with the number of points Liverpool acquired last season they would have won the league in 116 of 120 years of English football. And yet, last year they managed the incredible feat of 97 points and only one solitary loss all year….. and did not win. Thank you, Liverpool, for never failing to bring a smile to my face. 28 years on with one of the greatest teams ever assembled you still can’t do it. As an Arsenal fan suffering from year on year of disappointment, I would like to hail you as my saving grace in this beautiful game.

All schadenfreude aside Klopp has made a fascinating manoeuvre this year. Backing his squad fully he has not spent at all, he has bought no players. Or rather, no first team players. Personally I believe it is a wager worth taking. Coming off a Champions League win and a record setting season the Reds clearly have a tittle contending outfit. The confidence Klopp has shown in his players to go and get the job done this year may just be the boost they need. Furthermore, Origi looks to finally be breaking into the first team, and has shown his quality scoring in the Champions League Final. One can only hope and pray that everything doesn’t go haywire. For obvious reasons I keep forgetting to go to the alter.

Liverpool are one of the two sides to be reckoned with this year. In all of last year they only lost 1 game in the Premier League. This year they may do the same….. and actually, win something. Unfortunately for all those that never walk alone, I don’t think you’ll be walking with a Premier League Trophy at the end of the year. City continue to bolster an already unstoppable side. De Bruyne was missing almost all last year and he is one of the best players in the league. I cannot see the reds toppling Saudi oil money. Everyone acquiesces to Saudi oil money. My Prediction is Champions League football for the Reds, and a slight miss on that evasive domestic trophy.

Manchester City

Is there a better coach in football than Pep Guardiola? It is a question that pundits constantly ponder. City have strengthened themselves yet again bringing in Rodri from Athletico Madrid and João Cancelo for $62 million AUD from Juventus. Vincent Kompany has left to join Anderlecht in a player-coach role. Otherwise the side will line up like last year. You could have Guardiola pick a starting 11, kill them all and have him refill each spot with a new player, and the quality would not have dropped. The depth of the squad is almost unfair. Rodri will operate as a like for like replacement for Fernandinho. Cancelo can play either centre back or left back and will be an improvement on Danilo. Phil Foden is on the up and after an impressive U21 World Cup we can expect even more of him this year. On top of all that let’s not forget that last year De Bruyne was almost missing in action, constantly out with injuries. If he can stay fit this year the team will have another world class player in their ranks. Someone they seemingly didn’t even need to win it all last year. It would be unlikely for any team to pull off a third consecutive title, but with the players they have at their disposal and Guardiola at the helm City might actually do it. Although it pains me to say it, I think they may win it again.

Manchester United

Manchester United are a club that make us re-evaluate a lot of questions in football. How long is a Fergie hangover? How many centre backs do you need to be able to defend? Is Luke Shaw good or bad? How unrealistic of a valuation can you create for Paul Pogba before people stop laughing? Should there be a legal cap on the number of professional players you are aloud to bother during their summer break? Can you buy your way out of 6th?

These questions, and many more, seem to have different answers for United than other clubs. In two massive check book moments the Red Devils have gone and purchased Harry Maguire from Leicester for $143 million AUD and Wan-Bissaka from Crystal Palace for $91 million AUD. The purchase makes Maguire the most expensive defender in the world. Will the players fix United’s defensive woes? I personally do not think so.

The historic side of Manchester is committed to an expansive form of the game, playing aggressively and pushing a lot of players on. Often in Ole Gunnar Solskjær’s tactics involve allowing one of the back 4 joining in the midfield to allow Pogba to push into the attack. This will leave United with 3 at the back, one of them being their new $143 million-dollar man. Maguire is an excellent defender, but it is no secret that he lacks pace. Playing in such an expansive team may expose his frailties on the turn. Watch for the counter. In my opinion players like former Leicester teammate Vardy, Aubameyang, and Sterling will get chances to catch him on the break. I’ve got my money on a disappointing season for the Red Devils, missing out on Champions League football again. Expect a lot of points dropped due to painstaking draws that should have been wins but for a quick counter. Smash a grab jobs are a go over at Old Trafford.

Newcastle

Mike Ashley may never leave. And consequently, Newcastle fans may never be happy again. His refusal to spend despite the clubs massive following and fan demand for success leaves supporters the world over despising their owner. The loss of Rafa Benitez is a huge blow to the club. Rafa left because Ashley would not let him buy the players he wanted. And now fans are left with Steve Bruce, a Championship manager without top level experience and a mediocre resume – a considerable step down from the ex-Real Madrid and Liverpool manager Benitez.

Newcastle have been relegated twice over the last ten years. Their failure to live up to fan expectations is largely a systemic issue inside the club. This year Bruce has replaced Ayoze Perez with Joelinton from Hoffenheim for $63 million dollars. The player scored 7 goals and assisted 7 times in 28 games last year in the Bundesliga. Almiron, their record deal from last year, now has to try to assimilate to English football under a manager he did not agree to play for when he signed the contract, potentially in a system he does not like, with players he does not know. Another dire year for Newcastle awaits. I have them for a relegation scrap in which they may just survive.

Norwich

In an unfortunate first fixture of the year Norwich will face off a battle-hardened Liverpool side. The game may be indicative of whether the club is ready for the step up into the top league. They have made some improvements to the squad without spending much, whether these improvements prove sufficient is a different matter. Their coach Daniel Farke has said that they will not be changing their playing style in the Premier League, maintaining that they will play expansive aggressive football. Such philosophy is as respectable as it is risky. Against far better equipped outfits the side may regret this risk-taking approach. Expect a battering in their first game back on the big screen, and perhaps a few more over the course of the season.

My prediction? Back from whence you came.

Sheffield United

Sheffield every other day are the final new face on the block. They have come in with low expectations and high spirits. The club came second in the Championship last year. Since then they have brought in some notable names to improve the squad. Phil Jagielka will be a calming presence in defense bringing years of EPL experience with him. Luke Freeman was an impressive midfielder for QPR in the Championship last year and will look to establish himself in the Premier League side.

The red and black stripes are buzzing to be playing with the big boys once again. Whether that will continue past the first 38 games is yet to be seen. I have them sliding back down.

Southampton

Ralf Hasenhuttl proved his worth coming in half way through last season. A struggling Southhampton side showed an excellent turn of form and did enough to stay up after flirting with relegation for much of the season. Hasenhuttl is often hailed as another iteration in the permeation of German football philosophy in the English game. After an impressive stint at RB Leipzig Ralf now faces his first full year at the helm of an English Premier League side. Having bolstered their attack with the permanent signing of Danny Ings from Liverpool, Che Adams from Birmingham City and Moussa Djenepo from Standard Liege the Austrian manager will look to impress his aggressive Kloppean style on the team. Southampton will need more team building before really threatening Europe. Enough quality to stay relevant, not enough to worry the big boys. Expect a very mid table season.

Tottenham Hotspur

Tanguy Ndombele’s arrival from Lyon for $99 million AUD made him the first significant signing for the Spurs in two years. The club showed its quality last year coming runners up in the Champions League Final (the only day I have ever worn a Liverpool jersey). Ndombele is an excellent addition to a competent midfield. Sessegnon is an exciting young winger/left back. The club has just made it through a stadium build and can now go on to consolidate its position as a top team in English football. The key to doing that is adding trophies, something that has evaded the Spurs over the last 15 years. With the money spent this transfer window the expectations on Pochettino will have intensified. Had you asked me at the end of last season, I would have said the squad seems prepared to make that push this season.

But some evidence that may speak to the contrary has surfaced over the course of the last month. It started with a surprise exit from England national team star Kevin Trippier to Athletico. A shock move for everyone in the sport that was explained by the player as due to internal issues at the club. Furthermore, in a somewhat unhinged interview two weeks ago Pochettino said he was not allowed to choose which players the club signed, and that because of that reason his title should be changed from manager to coach. Are cracks starting to appear in the white side of north London?

I certainly hope so. However, the only thing more painful than having Spurs finish above Arsenal is believing that they won’t before it happens. So, for now, I bite my tongue and concede a close third spot finish for the Spurs. More pressure, nothing more.

Watford

Nothing much to see here aside from an injury prone Welbz. Danny Welbeck has joined the Hornets after being released from Arsenal on the free. Otherwise there has been little activity in the window for this club. Their most notable (injury free) signing is Craig Dawson from West Bromwich Albion, a solid centre back that will add options in defence. Watford seems both poised for and happy with another mid table finish. And that is exactly where I think they will end up. Their key to success? Keep Deulofeu fit and Doncoure on the ball. I would say keep Welbeck fit, but Watford are not miracle workers. Maybe if he had transferred to Leicester…

West Ham United

On paper West Ham field a top 6 side. Since their move to the London Stadium they have built an immense squad that has consistently let its fans down. Pellegrini will be making the push for European football this year, adding $72 million AUD striker Sebastien Haller to the mix as a boost. Haller arrives from Frankfurt having scored 15 goals and assisted 9 in 29 games in the Bundesliga last year. Unfortunately for the Hammers there are too many quality sides competing for too few positions on the table, and West Ham are historically damned to underachievement.

My prediction is a top half finish and a full stadium for the Hammers. Sadly, with a side of no-Europe. Sorry Hammers… There is only so much space for top teams in London.

Wolves

Nuno Espirito Santo’s Wolves had a season to remember last year. In their first season back they toppled giants, sweeping aside much of the opposition. The club finished in 7th place and earned a chance at European football for the first time in 35 years. Santo has since strengthened his squad with the purchase of Patrick Cutrone from AC Milan, Jesus Vallejo from Real Madrid, and Raphael Nya from PSG. The side has already won their first two games in European qualifications and must move through two more knockout rounds to make the group stages. I think that they will.

But once there the story may change significantly. Often smaller teams that lack squad depth suffer a European hangover during the start of the season. The added games demand a lot physically from the players and League performances tend to dip. For this reason, even though the club has done brilliantly consolidating an already strong squad, I believe a regression to the mean is upcoming. My prediction? A regression to the mean, a mid-table finish for the team that impressed last year.

A Preview to the English Premier League