EXCLUSIVE! Interview with USU CEO Andrew Mills

I sat huddled in the hallowed halls of the Holme Building, awaiting to be called to his office.

Image Credit: Andrew Mills

It was a crisp winter morning. The wind beat down on unsuspecting students, rain shot at Eastern Avenue travellers like daggers; the BOM had lied to us again. I was set to interview USU CEO Andrew Mills, and I sat huddled in the hallowed halls of the Holme Building, awaiting to be called to his office.

A USU staff member then collected me and let me in, assuring me that his punctuality is not to be judged, and he will only be a moment. Left to stew in silence, my eyes glazed over the assortment of trinkets and goodies that filled the space.

A row of books standing to attention; his various academic achievements framed along the wall; a dusty old cobweb ridden pocket watch that had stopped ticking years prior (I assume a family heirloom); a DVD copy of the 2007 American comedy film Norbit; a second DVD copy of the 2007 American comedy film Norbit.

Most conspicuous of all, however, was a large, loomed figure of a clown that stood towering in the corner of the room. As I stepped closer, the floorboards creaking below my feet, an uneasiness welled up inside me, and I couldn’t help feeling this sideshow character was uncannily out of place amid the highbrow, academic trinkets Mills decorated the rest of his room with. As my eyes met the clowns I could swear I saw its pupils dilate at the shifting light and my presence within the room.

Before I could get a moment to investigate further, the door swung open and in came Mr Mills himself, sporting a coffee from some miscellaneous USU outlet. Following the usual formalities, we took our seats on opposite sides of his mahogany desk and got down to the brass tacks.

While I wish I could regale to you, dear reader, the finer details of what his usual coffee order is, or what his Spotify top listened of 2021 was, I am afraid my mind was too preoccupied for such trivialities. While my body was facing him, my mind was elsewhere, haunted by the spectre of the clown standing ominously behind Mills. Could this clown be sentient? Was he the real ‘man behind the curtain’ of the USU?

Before I could entertain such questions, my phone began to buzz and my heart leapt out of its chest. Excusing myself for a moment, I answered the phone post-haste. It was none other than USU Honorary Secretary Isla Mowbry asking me what I was up to. Explaining that now was a bad time, and that I was in the middle of my interview with Andrew as we spoke, her end of the line fell into a deadly silence.

“Hello? HELLO?! Isla are you there? Is something wrong?”

“Harry,” her voice quivering. “Andrew is still here at Courtyard waiting for his coffee. Quick! Grab the creepy clown statue and RUN!”