Pick an Object From The Bachelor and We’ll Tell You How Your Semester Will End
By Nicolette Petra
1. The Golden Ticket
The golden ticket was a new fandangle twist in this season of Bachie, which gave one lucky girl the chance to go to The Bachelor’s hometown for a one-on-one date. Just like the golden ticket, you’re a shooting star, the keenest of beans in the early days of semester. Readings? Done ‘em. Your tutor asks a question? You got the answer. But come week 5, you’ve faded into the background. Things have got ahead of you. Assignments have stacked up, and you have this big project happening at work and two twenty-firsts on this weekend and why is everyone looking to you to answer the tutor’s question?
2. Osher’s Wedding Ring
To quote contestant and self-proclaimed Persian Princess, Sogand, ‘It’s never good when you see Osher.’ First of all, #rude. Osher is the glue/papa-bear/benevolent overlord keeping this hot mess of a show together. Second, it’s become tradition that Osher announces his arrival at every cocktail party by clinking his wedding ring on his glass of champers. Just like Osher’s wedding ring, you like to be heard, even if that means interrupting lectures and never failing to voice your opinion in tutorials. We get it, you’re shooting for that HD – the university equivalent of ‘the long run’ – and you’ll probably end the semester with a HD average. But it’s not all about you, so if you could please give other people some airtime to get their follower count up that would be great, thanks.
3. Candles
If there’s one thing that’s on each lounge-in-the-middle-of-nowhere date and every drama-filled cocktail party, it’s a candle. Actually, there’s more like a million. You’re fine with sitting in the middle of the lecture theatre amongst the other candles, not drawing attention to yourself while you melt into your seat out of sheer boredom. That is until it comes to uni nightlife. Society events, revues and balls are where you really shine. You’ll end the semester with a shrug and hope next year you’ll burn a little brighter, but let’s be honest you’re happy with a pass and a lit af social life.
4. A Rose
Sure, uni’s the place to study the works of great thinkers but c’mon, it’s also the perfect place for romance and that’s the real reason you show up. The rose is what every Bachie contestant wants at the end of the day, and you’re no different. You’ll probably end the semester with a heartbreak after a string of flings. If you’re lucky you’ll get the final rose and land yourself an s/o which will keep your Insta grid afloat for a while but then you’ll remember the holidays are almost here and a summer romance is where it’s at.
5. The Limo
In the first episode of every season the limo is a symbol of potential, of love being just one red carpet walk away. Every episode after that, the limo is a sign of looming elimination. But you don’t see it that way. You come to uni because you have to. ‘Those compulsory lectures aren’t going to attend themselves,’ you convince yourself each morning before groaning ‘Why do they even record the lectures if they make us attend though?!’ Uni is basically a job to you; another task in your day, but not really part of your bigger plan. You’re the kid who arrives ten minutes late and dips fifteen minutes before class is done. Come end of sem, you’ve vanished just like most of the Bachie contestants. You’re not here for the end game or even the pre-game. You’re just here for the ride. Skrt skrt.