RECAP: The Bachelor 2020 Episode 2

Ellie Stephenson’s drama addiction was left unsatisfied.

Last episode, Bachelor contestant Zoe-Clare embarked upon a one woman crusade against redhead discrimination, drunkenly alleging that fellow bachelorette Areeba had slighted her on the basis of her hair colour. “I feel... invisible”, she sobbed. 

Now I’m watching the second episode of The Bachelor and it seems Zoe-Clare has sobered up since her meltdown last night. Embarrassingly, she’s completely unrepentant. In fact, she doubles down on her accusations of anti-auburn bias. It’s all totally normal, totally rational, not deranged at all. 

And now it’s time for the first single date of the season. The date card’s clue references first impressions and Locky’s heart. It’s obviously Bella, who gave Locky a little heart pin to wear on his sleeve. With the producers desperate to conjure up some suspense, someone suggests that it could be nurse Irena, whose gimmick was to check Locky’s heart beat with her stethoscope. Nope, to absolutely no one’s surpise, it’s Bella. Areeba tells us she’s not threatened by Bella because she’s “fake” and the person who gets the first date never wins. I’m unconvinced that the first date curse trumps Bella and Locky’s instant chemistry, but sure. 

Locky sees his date with Bella as an opportunity to ease her into his adventurous habits. They’re starting off relatively chill with a sailing trip around Sydney Harbour. This is new to Bella but she happily takes the wheel and steers the boat around at an alarmingly precarious angle. She’s pleased about this, telling the cameras she feels Locky will push her to try new adventures. 

They’re served one of the ubiquitous Bachie cheese boards. We discover that Locky has never popped a cork before, and he discovers that he doesn’t particularly like champagne. He chats to Bella about how hard it is to talk to other people about the famously unspeakable subject of travel. As the only two people in the world to discuss their holidays, they’re clearly made for each other. 

They have a swim in the Harbour. Locky disappears under and for a moment Bella seems to think he’s done a Harold Holt but, to her relief, he eventually re-emerges with a rose. They kiss. “She’s beautiful. She’s everything I want”, Locky sighs. Honestly, everyone else can probably go home now. 

Bella returns to the mansion after her date clearly delighted. This receives a couple of half-hearted “awws” but seems to worry a few of the women. Given the show has a history of subjecting women who dare to kiss a man they like to a lot of controversy, Bella wisely refuses to disclose whether she kissed Locky. All the same, it’s not exactly difficult to guess given her elated smile. 

Laura finally expresses an emotion which isn’t displeasure: regarding Bella’s chances with Locky, she tells us, “She’s wife material. I would wife her.” “It’s 2020 and I can marry chicks”, she adds. It’s unclear whether Bella’s keen on satisfying Laura’s yearning for a Porsche Cayenne Turbo, but we’ll take whatever tenuous queerbaiting the producers want to give us here. 

While Bella was on her date, a group date card arrived, inviting an assortment of women (including, to some trepidation, both Zoe-Clare and Areeba) on the franchise’s  most pointless annual group date: the photoshoot. The Daily Telegraph has decided to take a break from harassing USU Board Directors and instead will be publishing photos of Locky and the bachelorettes playing dress ups. 

Pictured: Australia’s most despised and indecisive Bachelor, Nick “Steph” Cummins

Zoe-Clare is still displaying concerning cannibalistic tendencies, telling us that while Locky was a “meal” in his suit, he’s now a snack. She evidently cannot decide what food item Locky is, but she’s absolutely sure she wants to eat him. 

The first scene is a blind date, with Nicole playing the bartender and Zoe-Clare and Areeba competing for Locky’s attention as miscellaneous sparkly date attendees. To Areeba’s second-hand embarrassment, Zoe-Clare gets the Bachelor to lift her onto the bar top. “I laugh when I’m pissed”, says Areeba, laughing. 

Next we have a family dinner scene, where Irena’s the girlfriend, Laura’s her jealous little sister, Maddy is the mother and Steph is almost unrecognisable as the father. Steph absolutely steals the show, cracking everyone up and looking alarmingly like the Honey Badger. It’s a very different vibe to last year’s Bachelorette photoshoot fiasco, where Wazza stormed out after being cast as a chicken. Locky is impressed by her good humour. Irena does get some attention too, with some scandalous under-table knee touching going on. 

The next photoshoot features Rosemary selling an engagement ring to Roxi and Locky. Rosemary flirts a lot for a jeweller, Locky thinks Roxi is hot, and it’s all fairly boring. 

Some drama arrives in the form of Kaitlyn, an intruder who turns up for the ‘first dance’ themed shoot in a wedding dress. Steph is miffed that Kaitlyn gets the wedding shoot and some extra time with Locky: “I was a MAN”, she complains. Laura thinks Locky would’ve enjoyed doing the wedding shoot with her instead because “he knows I like nice things”. There’s a frankly unnecessary amount of crying; maybe they think Kaitlyn’s marrying Locky for real? 

Anyway the episode ends without a rose ceremony and I’m disappointed because yesterday set me much higher expectations on the drama front and this was all rather milquetoast. 

Episode score: 3/10 - very meh 

Laura’s displeasure-meter: 55/100 - nothing to write home about 

Redhead Persecution Complex: Alive and well

Best moment: Steph as Nick Cummins

Worst moment: Zoe-Claire’s absolute lack of contrition or even a well-deserved hangover