Top 7 People You’ll Find in the Comments Section of The Australian
By Lewis Ulm
One of the beautiful things about the growth of the internet has been the proliferation of the comment section. Even across all forms of social media, there are no worthy challengers to the might of The Australian’s fanbase. Whether it be Israel Folau, climate change, or just the word ‘gender’, in every article you can find the same cast of characters. Here are the seven commenters you’ll meet on a quick browse of the front page of The Australian:
#1 - The Prophet
Keith sees a dark fate ahead for the nation and for the world. Even though the article in reference explains a heavily-dramatized sacking of a teacher in relation to their religion, this type of commenter slides straight down a slippery slope to an ungodly future. First it’s Israel Folau, then it’s communism!
#2 - The ‘Not All Leftists”
I didn’t think it was possible. With all the hate that the Labor Party gets on this website, Cheryl and other commenters are always quick to herald a Leftist insurgent, turning the tide on the wave of identity politics and climate change, providing hope for a more sensible Left. Seeing a bright light in the dark side of Parliament, this type of commenter loves a rebel - despite how much they condemn them in other areas. (And who is Mal? We need more context Cheryl!)
#3 - The Revolutionary
The time has come: Australia is being attacked and the last line of defense is Tasmania. All hope turns to the forgotten island as John leads the charge for all the boomers that want to fight for their country to go back to the good ol’ days. This commenter’s favourite movie is Les Miserables - not because of the revolutionary theme, but because Russel Crowe is in it. Can you hear the people sing? Because I can, and commenter John Valjohn here is leading the charge on the battleground of the comment section.
#4 - The Heterosexual White Straight Male
Well, you were wondering when someone like wayne would show up, weren’t you? Completely true to the stereotype, this commenter is not afraid to show his pride in his demographic, but still manages to make it seem like he’s being attacked. Wayne’s favourite movie? Wayne’s World. Wayne’s favourite book? 12 Rules for Life by Jordan Peterson. Sometimes, you can just tell.
#5 - The Wait This Doesn't Fit the Demographic
All jokes aside, this is a new one for me. As an experienced comment section reader of The Australian, I have never been more confused, and I’ve seen a LOT of confusing stuff in this comment section. The first statement screams over-50, but the second could easily come from a reader of this publication. This dichotomy is a literary feat for The Australian’s comment section, and I am thoroughly impressed by Barry’s audacity and courage to (assumingly) defy his stereotype. Barry is a trailblazer, or just a troll - let’s go with the latter.
#6 - The Hero’s Journey
Mr Bernard R is a modern day hero. Despite the failings of the education system to turn him into a leftie, Mr R has seen what life has to offer and has defected to the right side of politics. Exposed to the harsh realities of mortgages, Labor governments and power prices, this commenter now devotes their life to spreading the good word: you too can be saved.
#7 - The Outlier
Wait... a comment... on an article about Greta Thunberg... that doesn’t slam her for being a child or for fueling the climate change scam? I must be on the Sydney Morning Herald! But alas, we are still in the house of Murdoch and his cronies, where comment moderation fails and allows for the six aforementioned commenters to gain crazy amounts of support and likes. Guy does not receive this support. He is a courageous rebel in an echo chamber of climate-change deniers, stingy conservatives and definitely a few anti-vaxxers. This type of commenter patrols the front lines, replying to blatant misinformation and heretic naysayers, fueling the word of truth in a digital land of deceit and bias. The hero we need, not the one The Australian deserves.
As an experienced traveller through these uncharted waters, a word of advice: don’t make the same journey I did. Jacked with hatred and unbudging opinions, the comment section of The Australian (hell, and anywhere else on the internet) is simply to provoke. So whenever you feel like replying, take a deep breath, close your browser and remember: Mr Bernard R will probably just call you a cuck.