Dear Pulp: Imposter Syndrome and Infatuation
Dear Pulp is a weekly series where we’ll solve your questions, dilemmas and disasters! If you have something looming in your life or a juicy secret you just can’t help but share (anonymously, duh), let us know via this form.
Dear Pulp, I suffer from a terrible case of imposter syndrome and constantly feel inadequate at my work and at uni. How do I cope?
Dealing with imposter syndrome is not fun: feeling incompetent, undeserving and out of place is never nice. Keep in mind that feeling imposter syndrome is actually a sign that you’re really conscientious and care about your job/studies. That’s a good attribute; there’s plenty of people out there who couldn’t care less about being good at their jobs. So try to reframe the feeling: instead of “I don’t deserve this, I’m not good enough”, think “I really care about this opportunity, and I’m going to work hard to do it as well as I can”.
You should also think about the source of the sense of inadequacy and try to address that. Sometimes it can be internal, where you personally feel like you don’t know enough or you’re not good enough to deserve what you’ve got. In that case, you should be mindful not to compare yourself to others, and instead focus on doing your best. Remember that it’s OK to make mistakes - I promise no one notices them as much as you do. A helpful strategy can be to set achievable goals and celebrate when you reach them - this can remind you to focus on your successes.
Unfortunately, sometimes you can feel inadequate because other people make you feel that way. When you’re the odd one out in a workplace or classroom, or when someone puts you down, it’s easy to internalise it. Instead, you should focus on the hard work and achievements that have led you to where you are. Stay motivated to prove them wrong!!
Help! I'm in love with someone who I know is narcissistic but can't stop feeling that way towards him.
Sadly, the best bet is to move on. You’re not going to change his personality and trying to is not worth the trauma. You deserve a relationship where you’re supported and accepted, not one where you’re trying to reform someone!
How do you get over him? In general, you should try to distract yourself from your feelings as much as possible. Thinking about him is likely to make you feel worse, and because you love him despite his obvious flaws, probably won’t fix your infatuation. Focus on spending time and building relationships with your friends.
When you do think of him, try to force yourself to remember the bad parts of his personality. Don’t let yourself absent-mindedly start daydreaming about him! If you talk regularly, it might be a good idea to start distancing yourself from him or ask him for some space.
Eventually, you’ll look back on this and wonder why you were ever into him. Even though it can feel pretty terrible right now, focus on reaching a point where you’re over it and have closure.