Review: USU goat yoga — You've goat to be kid-ing me

BAAAAAAA BLEEAAT BA-A-A-A-A

Image credit: Marlow Hurst

Heads dunked in the spongy mat in child pose, a baby goat is backing up into our faces. Now two. Three. It’s a whole herd. Our instructor Schanelle reassures us that, should the goat decide to defecate near or on us, we need only raise our hand for help.

“It’s ok not to be ok.”

This is goat yoga.

The session kickstarted with stock-standard yoga motions — breathing in, breathing out, bending down, bending up, and then a request to close our eyes. Behind lidded pupils, goats were being brought into the Elliot Miller Studio (it was originally going to be outside, but weather did not permit). Smuggled in by V-Team goat handlers, a butcher’s dozen of kids had taken up residence in a space that’s usually reserved for Law Revue intensive rehearsals and MUSE vocal training.

Instead, a different kind of dance and vocal training was going down in Elliot Miller. We stretched our arms and lifted our legs like ballerinas, whilst goats capered around the room.

Upon exhalation during our breathwork we were told to mimic our mammalian compatriots and release a decidedly relieving “Baaaaaaaa”. The next thing we knew, goats were scaling our bodies like a cliff-scarred mountain. With a hand-lick here and a stumble there, Schanelle encouraged us to laugh at the situation. 

We let our muffled giggles out.

“This is ridiculous, this is not normal,” she said, as goats feasted on the chaff that had been strategically sprinkled around the space. 

And make no mistake, this chaff sprinkling was crucial to the goat yoga experience. Minute-to-minute chaff mound adjustments were made by the ever-vigilant V-Team to redirect and redistribute goat traffic to yogi’s in need of mammalian assistance.

“These are animals of prey, they are used to being hunted.” Schanelle cautioned as the goats grazed the linoleum floor. Our movements had to be low and slow so as not to scare these much-hunted creatures and maintain the unstable barnyard peace. However, we think the hunted thought themselves hunters, as our fingers were nibbled to the bone.

There was much variance in the goats’ behaviour. One lazy billy parked himself in front of Marlow’s mat, and refused to move, chewing on the chaff for eternity. Other goats skittishly skidded, seeking the next human-induced oxytocin high. Some goats big, some small. Some were not baby goats at all (when we confronted these mature-age goats about these allegations they said they were “hip with the kids.”)

Then suddenly we had to say BAAAAAAAAA-bye, as the thirty-minute session reached its tail-end. The goats were vamoosed by the vexatious volunteers. But while the goats were finished, our transcendental journeys were not. Told to look under our mats, we found individualised rectangular cards of wisdom: 

My ability to receive is measured by how much I practice good feeling thoughts

Instead of worrying about the future I know all is well when I’m aligned in the moment

I let an inner sense of quiet multiply each day as I strengthen my faith in the love of the universe

We practiced good feeling thoughts. We strengthened our faith in the love of the universe. We were aligned with the  moment. We did goat yoga.

You can follow our goat yoga facilitator, Schanelle Denton, here.