RECAP: The Bachelor Episode 5

Ellie Stephenson recaps last night’s The Bachelor.

Last night’s episode begins with a preview which promises to deliver on Laura’s foreshadowed “shitshow”. We hear that Roxi is a “ticking time bomb” and Areeba is “ready to explode”, which can only mean we have a few alcohol-poisoned cocktail party attendees on our hands. Areeba has started referring to herself in the third person, which foreshadows some chaos. 

Nicole returns from her triple threat Bachie Pad visit with a rose. Roxi, who has not quite grasped the premise of the Bachelor, which, to be very clear, requires you to share a boyfriend, is upset about this. 

Juliette grabs Locky straight away to explain why she didn’t attend last week’s awful gridiron date; apparently she was sick. Honestly, if she simply didn’t want to wallow in mud wearing absurd shoulder pads, that would also be reasonable. 

For reasons indiscernible to any rational onlooker, Roxi says Juliette is “throwing me under the bus” and “making up wild things about me”. I can only assume this is the sign of a guilty conscience, because Juliette is doing nothing of the sort. Instead, she is spending minutes on end Not-Like-Other-Girls-ing to Locky, groaning that she simply wants to “take off all the makeup”. 

The other girls aren’t buying Juliette’s sickness. Irena tells us she would’ve risen from her deathbed to play gridiron, if only Locky had asked. Laura decides out of nowhere that (a) Juliette is not here for Locky and (b) that she’s plotting something. 

Juliette can hear the other girls complaining, and thinks it’s ridiculous. Fair. Areeba, Kristina, Juliette and Kaitlyn discuss how insufferable it is to hear Roxi ranting. As occasionally mean and Unlike Other Girls as they are, I can’t help but feel they are most definitely the lesser of two evils compared with the Roxi-Laura-Zoe-Clare trifecta. 

Laura decides to vindicate this feeling by - very evilly - approaching Juliette and demanding she disclose her (nonexistent) schemes. Juliette is mystified. So am I. Laura insists, saying Roxi wouldn’t be having a meltdown “for no reason”. Yes she very much would. Thankfully Areeba extricates poor, baffled Juliette from the interrogation.

Cut to Zoe-Clare, who is wildly gesticulating and saying “keep us away from the pscyhos”. This is a textbook case of the pot calling the kettle ranga.

The rest of the episode is spent watching Roxi sob. All her roseless and increasingly irritated friends have to console her. To remind us that there are worse things to watch than Roxi’s crying, Rosemary does an extremely cringe rap. Ugh. 

Roxi’s sobbing comes to a head in the middle of Areeba’s chat with Locky. The bachelor simply ghosts Areeba to go talk to Roxi, who says she has the emotional control of a 2-year-old (true) and complains that she feels ignored by Locky after their date. Areeba stands, alone, understandably upset.

At the rose ceremony, redhead oppression reaches its peak this season, with Zoe-Clare (and Claire) getting eliminated. Zoe-Clare whispers in Locky’s ear “don’t be blindsided by the bullshit”. I was really looking forward to an angry interview but I guess this cryptic statement will do. 

Roxi is angry that Zoe-Clare and Claire are going home, launching into fully fledged conspiracy theories about Juliette. There is, as Laura poetically puts it, “more than 500g of beef”. Areeba has the correct commentary on all this fuss: I am just so sick and tired of seeing Roxi cry”. 

See? Ew.

Osher intervenes with a date card for Irena. She and Locky are fencing, leading to some predictable sword-based innuendoes and Locky losing by a mile. After their duel, Locky tries champagne for the second time in his life, this time attempting to sabre it open. The sabering process is at once extremely suggestive and entirely revolting. 

Locky and Irena are extremely into each other. Irena tells us she takes relationship inspo from her parents, who got engaged after knowing each other for 10 days. This seems very healthy and realistic. Locky is into it though, giving her a rose, a kiss, and a plan for their next 20 years together.

Episode sore: 7/10 - QAnon level incoherent conspiracy theories

Locky and Irena’s engagement: pending

Roxy’s tears: Sorry, lost count

Best moment: Areeba redeeming herself by rescuing Juliette from Laura

Worse moment: The way the producers are still trying to depict Areeba, Juliette and Kristina as the villains. Come on.