RECAP: The Bachelor 2020 Episode 7
Ellie Stephenson watched Episode 7.
Today’s preview signposts that COVID-19 will wreak havoc in the mansion: “the unthinkable becomes a reality”, it tells us melodramatically. For some of us (me), COVID shaved 200 minutes off our daily commute, but for Locky and the bachelorettes, it’s thwarting their epic love story. Sucks to be a minor celebrity, I guess.
Last Thursday’s cocktail party is over and everyone is looking forward to relaxing. But no, a stern Osher reappears to tell them that “a lot’s changed” in the outside world, with the World Health Organisation declaring a global pandemic. He reassures us the mansion is safe and Channel 10’s medical team say the show can continue (this will be short-lived).
Everyone is shell-shocked.
“It’s never happened before”, Locky helpfully informs us. “I’m trying to stay positive”, he adds. Hopefully not coronavirus positive.
Now for a group date, featuring Roxi (ugh), Izzy, Bel, Maddy, Irena and Bella. Group dates, in my opinion, are almost always incredibly stupid. From pointless photoshoots to “compatibility chest”, I’ve never seen the utility of awkward gamified excursions in finding love. But this takes the cake.
They’ve invited Alison, a psychic medium, to… gossip with dead people about the Bachelor, I guess?
We’re informed that she’s helped state police identify suspects. This serves to worsen my already low opinion of both psychics and police. ACAB but it’s All Cops are Believers-in-this-deranged-nonsense.
I think she’s been possessed by the spirits tbh.
Imagine getting eliminated from a dating show because a clairvoyant cop decided you weren’t compatible. Ugh. Areeba, ever the voice of reason, is not impressed.
She starts with a group reading. She senses that Locky, a 30-year-old, has a dead grandpa. Incredible. She mentions “fire engine” and Locky decides he’s always wanted to be a firefighter. She predicts he will be having a baby boy, to much excitement.
She tells Maddy to pay attention to “feathers, butterflies and birds”, which are allegedly messages from the spirit realm. Her psychic talents really jump out when she guesses Irena’s grandmother was short and her grandpa wore slippers. Those are, after all, extremely rare traits among the elderly.
The episode takes an alarmingly unethical turn when Alison directs her attention to Bella. To some excitement, she predicts a baby boy for Bella too. She then senses something to do with cancer. Bella’s grandpa has cancer. The poor woman panics, worried that her grandpa has died while she’s been in the mansion. Surely they’d let you know, but Alison’s reading unsurprisingly gets to her. In a couple of tortuous, drawn-out minutes, she calls her mum, who confirms that her grandpa is still alive. It all seems evil and highly unnecessary.
If the atrocious group date wasn’t enough, we now have to endure Alison chatting to Locky and each of the girls individually. She tells Bella that she needs to believe in herself more. She terms Locky and Irena “old souls”, and notes that Izzy and Locky both have awful attention spans. Maddy, she predicts, would be driven crazy by him within a decade, while Roxi is “hard work but worth it”. “Got me sledge’ammer out”, opines Locky.
Alison is a huge fan of Bel, who she describes as a “hidden gem”, explaining to the couple that they were together in other lifetimes. She spends a while speaking incoherently about how they are at war? In war? I don’t know. Anyway, Locky rewards Bel’s strangely familiar soul with a rose.
After the group date, Locky arrives at the mansion on a motorbike. He picks Roxi to go on a date with him. “It was so sexy… seeing them leave”, says Areeba.
They drive to Locky’s house where Roxi proceeds to complain that she doesn’t see him enough, despite receiving more time with him than the majority of the other contestants combined. She admits that she’s a jealous person (No! Really?). They kiss. “Your kisses are very innocent”, Roxi says. “Bend me like a pretzel”, she blurts out. What a very normal date.
Back at the mansion, Laura is hopeful that Roxi’s rose means there will be no more floods of tears in tonight’s cocktail party. We can only hope.
Osher appears ominously to inform the group that tonight five girls will be evicted from the mansion. “Swear on your eyebrows, oh my god!” Charley exclaims.
Locky grabs Bella to reassure her that she is safe. They kiss. Laura spots it. Roxi hears about it. Oh no.
Of course, Bella kissing the communal boyfriend sets Roxi off. It is “so disrespectful”, she sobs. “Am I being inconsiderate? Am I wrong?”, she asks a producer. Yes, Roxi, you’re ruining the what feels like your 75th cocktail party, pull yourself together.
Even Irena, who is normally reasonably rational, seems annoyed about the kiss. Thankfully Laura provides some characteristically good commentary: “You’ve got a rose, shut up”.
The face I make when Roxi has started complaining again
Once again, Roxi confronts Locky for daring to follow the rules of the dating show. She doesn’t let him get a word in edgewise. Locky’s patience is wearing thin - he says he’s trying his best to follow the process and asks whether the format will be hard for her moving forward.
Now for the rose ceremony. Bel and Roxi are safe. Going home are Marg, eyebrow enthusiast Charley, pageant queen Gemma, and Laura and Areeba, whose commentary I will miss immensely.
Neither Laura nor Areeba are pleased. “He could’ve had a trophy wife, but nope. Fuming”, Laura complains. “This is definitely the first time I’ve been rejected”, claims Areeba.
Well, it turns out everyone’s going home - Osher grabs Locky and tells him he’s got something really, really important to say. The show is stopping production. Health and safety is more important than a TV show, Osher tells us sagely.
According to the previews, we’ll be moving to virtual dates, where Roxi still manages to be miserable. Groundbreaking.
Episode score: 8/10 - a lot happened.
Spirits from the other side: Significantly less than the spirits in the contestants’ glasses
Commentary quality: Plummeting. Bye Areeba. Bye Laura.
Best moment: Juliette’s impressions of Roxi’s drama (see below)
Worst moment: the Bella’s grandpa saga
